The Sick & Twisted Doug Funny Fan Fiction Trilogy
by the silent army
Summary: This is a work of fan fiction that truly exemplifies the meaning of fan fiction. The cast of Doug engage in blasphemous sex and use drugs.
1. Episode I

**The Sick & Twisted Doug Funny Fan Fiction Trilogy**

**Episode I**

Doug stepped up to the plate with his head hanging low. His bat dragged through the sandy dirt behind him, held loosely in his left hand. Patti had made him realize he was left handed. That was a few years ago. He was a freshman now, a freshman in High School. He sometimes wondered why he had even joined the baseball team. He had always sucked, swinging left handed or not. Patti didn't think so. He tapped his bat on the plate a few times, and then lifted the wooden shaft behind him, ready to take a swing. He had no idea how much that pun would take meaning later in the night.

The pitch came. It was fast, like a bullet. Miss. A monotonous, "STRIKE!" came from the Umpire behind him. "FUNNY IS A LOSER!" came from the crowds. No doubt, Roger, who would do nothing less than shoot out his legs with a rifle for a chance to give him a good freshman paddling. Roger used to be in the same class as him, back in middle school. However, since then, Roger took some summer school courses to catch up with his regular year. He was now a junior.

Swing, and a Miss. Doug was getting anxious. He knew this was his last chance. He waited for it. Another strike met the grip of the catcher behind him. They had lost, and it was his entire fault. Doug felt the pity of his teammates, but even more so, he anticipated the beatings he was going to receive - Especially after having ruined the game.

* * *

Doug and Skeeter made their way out the back of the field; they wanted to avoid being seen. Patti would be upset that they didn't meet her at the front, but she would understand their situation. They were freshman boys, fresh fish. They hopped the fence in the back and made their way through the other school's parked busses and towards the road. It led off campus and towards Doug's street, Jumbo Street, but he would never make it that far.

A car pulled up as they nervously moved through the area, quietly in the dark on the way towards Jumbo Street. "Hey Funny," came Roger's familiar cackle from the passenger seat of the smoothie, life size hot wheels car. Skeeter took off running; Doug was right behind him. He was right behind him... until he tripped and fell flat on his face. FUCK. He couldn't get away now. He was surrounded by Roger and his goons.

"Looks like we got another freshman, boys." They all laughed. Their breath smelled of cheap beer. Doug didn't say anything, finally accepting his fate. He sat there face down in the street. Doug almost helped them haul him off to the car, and lean him up against it to paddle his naked behind. They ripped his pants off. They sat at his ankles. Doug prepared, and waited.

When nothing happened, Doug turned his head slightly around. What he saw raised more than his eyebrows. Roger's green cock sprang forward out of his pants, hard as a rock. Orange pubic hair surrounded it's base. His cock was like a nice nug of beautiful ganja: Bright green with orange hairs. Doug's cock shot forward with wretched intent.

Wait! What was going on. Was he aroused by Roger's manly no-no spot? No, he couldn't be. His love was only for Patti. He couldn't deny the fact however (especially once the Godzilla penetrated his colon), that he had never felt anything so good.

Roger pumped Doug's ass with enthusiastic skill. He was a pro. He was in control. "You like that, Funny? You like that," he said as he pounded with increased fury. All Doug could do was moan like a girl as he held onto the truck with iron grip.

* * *

Roger knew he was about to cum. He held back for as long as he could, and finally blew his choad into Doug's ass. Doug had been just like Patti had been in the girl's bathroom at the stadium when he took her. At first shocked, but then overcome with pleasure. Both of their colons had become a creamy drink of blood and cum like the cherry coke floats at the Honkerburger.

Roger pulled out, and watched his buddies have their turn. He pondered in his drug induced state if they would have to shut Doug up like they had Patti. Patti enjoyed it, but she was in denial. Doug, he knew, enjoyed it as well, and he didn't think Funny would rat. In fact, he wouldn't be surprised if Doug showed up at his door for more. He had always expected that in Doug. Perhaps he had done the old loser a favor by showing him what he was about. Of course, that had been the plan to begin with.

Roger had wanted Patti. Ever since the moment he saw her, Roger fiended to have her out of her little polka dot shirt. He wanted to plunder her bodily orifices with his manhood. But Funny… Funny had been in the way since they were in middle school. Nothing ever came of it, but Roger knew Patti always had it for Funny too.

That was no problem now. They had shown Doug his true sexuality, and not even he could deny it now. Patti was as good as his.

* * *

Patti cried in the bathroom stall. She had been there bleeding in that filthy toilet for hours, but she wasn't on her period. Her colon bled more than her Vagina ever had. It came mixed in clops of runny shit. Her eyes gazed across the bathroom stall, which had things written on it like, "ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US," which was scratched out and replied to with a cartoon like image of a man bent over ripping his ass open to great proportions and exposing the bloody insides of his colon. She felt like that man in those depressing moments.

All she could think about was Doug. She had heard them talk about going after 'Funny and his idiot, honking friend.' Was Roger mad? Could he be this insane? She always knew he was a bully, but this... She had never imagined. She had to save Doug. She had to. She knew what she must do.


	2. Episode II

**The Twisted Doug Funny Fan Fiction Trilogy**

**Episode II**

Doug picked his body up off the street. After Roger had left with his buddies, he just lied there thinking, "After all this time, I'm gay... It's come to this. I enjoyed that." His ass was bleeding and it hurt like hell, but the pain somehow felt... good. He pulled his pants up and looked around. He wasn't sure what to do, and then it came to him. He had to go home and write it in his journal. He ran as best he could; he had to limp due to the throbbing pain in his rectum.

He kicked his door open, limped up the stairs, and was then confronted by Judy.

"So Doug, How was the game," she said, filled with apathy.

"Uhh, it was okay. We lost, but I need to go write in my journal."

Judy sighed as he began to limp off, and then a sly smile spread across her face. "Freshman beating, I presume," she inquired with a humorous smirk.

"Uhh, yeah... It... really hurt." He opened his door, walked inside uncomfortably, and slammed it shut.

* * *

Judy stared at Doug's closed door for a moment before returning to her own bedroom. She wondered when Skeeter would get there. She had already talked to him on AOL:

...

HonkHonkMan459: Hey, Judy HONK! HONK!

XDramaXGirlX: hey, babe! how r u? u didt get a frosh beat did u?

HonkHonkMan459: NO BUT DOUG DID ROGER RAPED HIS ASSHOLE AND DOUGS BUTT HAS HAIR ON IT I HAVE PICTURES HONK HONK

HonkHonkMan459 wants to Direct Connect

HonkHonkMan459 is Directly Connected

XDramaXGirlX: WTF I DOnt WAANNA SEE THAT OLOL

HonkHonkMan459: []

XDramaXGirlX: OMG

HonkHonkMan459: yeah roger wants patti i think he wants to kill doug honk honk

XDramaXGirlX: really cum over baby

HonkHonkMan459: k

...

So Skeeter was on his way over. She would give him a blowjob like she had a hundred times before, and then they would go in Porkchop's doghouse and smoke. They had gotten Porkchop high so many times. She laughed to herself remembering the time they gave him a hit of acid. It had permanently fucked him up, but Doug was in total denial. He was always such a daft, oblivious bastard. He never knew about her relationship with his best friend.

The thoughts left her mind as she made her way to the phone. Roger's cell was on Doug's speed dial. They had frequently bought bud from him, so they kept his number around.

"Roger, this is Judy. Wanna trade He-man trading cards."

"Ehhh... is Funny there?"

"Yeah, he ran up to his room. He seemed a little weird. Didn't say anything to anyone."

Roger laughed. "Really, yeah, I'll be over. Typical half deck?"

"Yeah"

"Alright, I'll sell it to you for $10."

"WHAT! Wow, thanks Roger."

"Well, I'll be wanting a blowjob too."

Judy sighed. "Alright."

* * *

Roger told the guys to wait as he stepped out of the truck and walked up to the door. He didn't even have time to knock before Judy opened the door. "Hey," she said in an alluring, sensual manner. Roger remembered when he was younger what a bitch she was. She was going to get her dues. She led him up to the bedroom, having done this many times before; no words needed to be exchanged. Roger kept an eye out for Doug, but he didn't see him. They walked into Judy's room.

"How was it," Judy asked as the door shut. "Was he good?"

Roger looked a bit stunned. "How'd ya know?"

Judy threw her sun glasses off and tossed them on the bed. "Don't worry about it, just get those pants off." Roger smiled, and began to unzip. At that moment, a ladder slammed onto the open window from the outside. "SKEETER," Judy Exclaimed. "Roger, get in the closet, fast." Roger did as he was told, biding his time.

* * *

"Dear Journal,

I just came to the conclusion that I, Doug Funny, am a homosexual. It's weird; I never thought about it. I always felt special towards Skeeter. He's been my best friend for years, and I never concidered the love I had for him as a friend could be more than I thought. Patti, I don't know about Patti anymore. I've stopped feeling for her. I don't know."

Doug stopped writing for a moment and glanced over at Porkchop who was poking his head out from under the bed. He glanced around nervously, and then ran back under the bed, as if something was drifting about in the room, liable to attack him. He did this several times. Doug continued.

"Roger raped me. I don't feel for Roger, but the sex was great. I don't think I could ever feel this way with a woman. The one I really want is Skeeter. I know at last and there's nothing to hide anymore."

Doug's mind wandered as he doodled a picture of Quailman marching in a gay pride parade. In the picture, A gaybasher attempts to strike him, but Quailman casually rips his pants off as though they were breakaways. Other comic panels show him tying the man's hands up with his headband, strapping his underwear on his face, and buttfucking him from behind with a massive quail cock. QUAAIIIIILLLL-MAAAAAANNN.

* * *

Skeeter hopped in through the window. "Heey, cutie. You're looking hot. Doug's not here is he?"

"Nah, he hasn't made it back."

"Good, then lets get to it."

Skeeter sat on the bed and unstrapped his pants. Judy went down on it in seconds, taking his big blue cock all the way back into her mouth. She was great; she always had been. She knew how to keep him right at his peak without making him explode, and she could keep him there for so long. His relationship with Judy had been odd. They never let Doug know. They figured he would be a bit freaked out, but it was just casual. Dick suckings, weed smoking, and an occasional fuck. That was it. Skeeter moaned loudly. "Oh, fuck yeah, baby... Honk honk... Suck that shit. Ho-hoonnnk."

* * *

Doug had heard Skeeter's moans when he stepped outside to go to the bathroom, to shower off the sex. He had never suspected the two of them, his best friend, the love of his life, and his sister. He couldn't believe he was so stupid. The evidence had always been there, but he refused to see it. Now he had his father's handgun. He didn't know much about guns, but he knew something had to be done. Skeeter was his. He loved Skeeter. He always had; he just didn't know it. He threw Judy's door open and screamed. "AAIIIIYYY-AAAHHHHHH."

* * *

Porkchop stared at Doug from under his bed. That bastard. He was always getting in the way of things. He wanted Patti, and there Doug was fucking Patti like a rabbit on Easter Morning. They were in a large circle of eggs about 3/4ths their size. Patti moaned. Doug grunted. Porkchop growled. There were always large, homosexual unicorns guarding Doug when he fucked Patti purposely in front of him to make him suffer though the torment. Doug knew that he longed for Patti and desired to punish him severely by forcing him to watch. When the unicorns would start to fuck, Porkchop would go in for the kill, but they always turned around and began breathing fire out of their nostrils, defending Doug. That's when Porkchop ran back under the bed. He would have Doug one day. The unicorns would let their guard down. He knew it.

* * *

Roger watched though the slits from inside the closet. That bastard, Skeeter. Roger had shit to do. He thought it would be a quick blowjob, a sale, and then he could be on to get Patti. This would totally ruin everything. He had planned on killing Skeeter anyways; why not now. Then he could have Judy where he had always wanted her. Right in the back.

Roger threw the door to the side as he lifted his pistol up in the air. At the same time, there was Doug through the hallway door. Judy's head blew off. "SKEETER IS MINE, FILTHY SKANK," Doug yelled. Blood splattered all over Skeeter's face. A chunk of his cock came right off as Judy's teeth clamped down before her head went into chunks. Immediately, both guns were pointed at their opposites. Roger and Doug, the epic and ultimate face off begins in the final chapter of The Doug Funny Fan Fiction Trilogy.


	3. Episode III

**The Twisted Doug Funny Fan Fiction Trilogy**

**Episode III**

Porkchop eyed the unicorns like a hawk from above as he sat in his spot under the bed. He wondered if he would ever have Patti. Painful memories washed through his mind. He had been beaten as a pup before he found his way into Doug's home. He ran away, and was picked up by awful men with cages. He was forced into one, and taken to some wretched compound where several other dogs were locked up in cells. Kids like Doug would often come to the shelter and clean the cages. They talked about working their hours off and not being able to wait to smoke again. Whatever that meant, Porkchop didn't know, but he did remember one girl. Patti. She had worked in that evil prison long before she met Doug. Long before Porkchop ever knew what Bluffington was. Patti probably didn't even remember him, but she was wonderful. She took him out on walks, let him run free for just a bit while she sat back in a corner behind sheds and inhaled smoke from some large glass contraption that made bubbly noises. That was when Porkchop fell in love with her.

* * *

Patti ran down the street towards Doug's house. She had ran the whole way and had not stopped once. Her heart raced, her blood pumped, and her lungs heaved with every pace. Jumbo Street. She had made it. There was Roger's ride with all his buddies sitting in the back smoking. She didn't have time for that now. She had things to do. As she ran for the door, the three Klotz-followers stepped out of the car with evil grimaces. They all stood in her way.

"We knew you'd show, Patti. Roger had it all planned out," the short stubby kid said in a dumb voice before he giggled a bit.

"Get outta my way, shithead! I need to talk to Doug!"

"Ehh, not before we see what kind of panties you got on under there, ehehe," one of the guys in the back said before they all started coming after her with evil intent.

Patti's face went rigid as she was thrown up against the truck. Hands swarmed around her perversely. She tried to get away, but she couldn't. Her pants began to come off. She screamed.

* * *

Porkchop eyed the unicorns from under his master's bed. They had tossed Doug off of Patti, and had thrown her up against the wall. The unicorns were groping her and tearing at her clothes. They stopped breathing the fire. How he hated that gray funnel of fire that exploded from their mouths, but they had stopped. Porkchop worked up the courage, and dove out from under the bed. He grabbed the unicorn by the leg with his jaw, and pressed down with wicked intent.

* * *

The fucking Dog had torn right into his pants. He lost track of what he was doing with Patty, who now had her pants pulled down to her legs. Her skimpy, whorish panties were sliding off and barely covering her area, but he couldn't worry about that now. There was this fucking dog of Funny's trying to tear his leg off.

"HELP ME," he yelled. The other two kicked Porkchop in the head. They took turns bashing him with their boots, but he didn't let go. "Dude, let's get that fucking Dog high. He'll mellow out, HURRY!"

* * *

Patti took the opportunity and ran for it. They had let her go, and she didn't bother to pull her pants back up. She just kicked them off and ran. As a matter of fact, she didn't even bother to knock on the door. She just barreled in and ran up the stairs. She turned a corner and saw Doug standing in Judy's doorway with a gun pointed at Roger, who stood inside next to the closet. As soon as she saw him, Doug slipped to his left taking cover behind the wall. POW! She barely had a chance to hear the sound before the bullet flew from the barrel of Roger's gun and blew her fucking head off. The chunks of it fell on to the ground in slow motion and landed with a, "honk...cha cha cha cha cha..honk..cha..cha..cha..cha...honk..." And there was silence.

* * *

Roger wailed in horror. "PATTI!" he exclaimed. He dropped the gun and ran to her side. He stared at her half naked body in denial and delusion. "I love you, Patti. All this... All this, I did it for you." Doug stood being him with the gun pointed at his head as he watched in silence. Roger didn't even notice. "I'd been planning this out for years so we could be together, and now, in my romantic glory I will share my love with you." Roger frantically began pulling his own pants down. He pulled out his cock, which had blood stains all over it, and stared down at her beautiful body. He remembered his purpose, and slid her panties down the rest of the way. He put his johnson into position, and he fucked her headless body harder than he had ever fucked anyone.

* * *

Skeeter watched in horror from the bed where he sat with Judy's dead body lying in his lap and the debris from her exploded head all over his clothes. He shoved her corpse to the side, and stood. She gave good head, but he hadn't loved her. Those thoughts didn't enter his mind though; he was horrified at seeing what Roger was doing. For a moment, he believed it was but a dream, but it seemed so real.

"Hey.. Doug.." he began in his high-pitched voice. "Want to go to the honkerburger and get some shakes?"

"Sure, Skeet. Doug dropped the gun and began merrily walking down the stairs with Skeeter."

"Yeah, man. Honk-Honk. 'I NEED MO ALLOWANCE'"

Porkchop had torn the heads off of two of the unicorns. They had tried to destroy him with their flames. They blew it in his ear and up his nose. They kept laughing, as though the torture could possibly be funny. They got what they deserved.

* * *

Porkchop was just about to go for Patti when Doug walked outside with Skeeter.

"Hey, Porkchop, want to go to the Honkerburger with me and Skeeter?"

"EEERRRRR-ARF-ARF-ARF!"

"Hey, boy, I'll get you some fries. It's on me."

Porkchop thought it over for a moment, and after a period of silence, he lunged toward Doug with scowling eyes and fangs protruding from his lips. His teeth sank into Doug's face. He clung to him like a pit bull with lock jaw. He wouldn't budge.

Doug began frantically running around the yard in a craze. His blood spewed all over the grass, the bushes, Skeeter, the driveway, and anything in the general area. He screamed as best he could for help, but it wasn't much but a high pitched wail.

* * *

Skeeter watched Doug run around his yard with an insane Porkchop latched to his face. All the neighbors had come outside and were watching in horror. All except Mr. Dink who shouted above all of Doug's screaming, "HUH-HAH, GO GET 'EM, DOUGLAS!" But Doug wasn't getting much of anyone. He was running around in circles screaming and yelling. "It was," Skeeter thought, "so annoying." Skeeter couldn't take it. He raced to Roger's truck/car and jumped inside. The keys were in the ignition. He pulled it into reverse a bit, and then turned to face Doug and Porkchop.

"Honk honk," came from both Skeeter and the car simultaneously.

Skeeter raced forward. The car slammed into Doug and threw him onto the windshield and sent him flying off the back like a lifeless dummy. His screaming stopped. Porkchop lost his grip from the hit. Doug fell onto the concrete and cracked his skull open as he landed head first.

* * *

Porkchop flew in the open window leading into the hallway upstairs in the Funny House. Down the hall he saw Patti on the floor being taken by Roger. "That bastard," was all Porkchop could think. He moved in for the kill.

* * *

Roger felt sharp teeth land into his ass. He screamed as he pulled out of Patti, blowing his load all over the place at the same time. Her headless body lied there, now covered in his semen. A growling sound grew behind him. Roger flung his head around to see the fucking mutt. It was trying to ruin his romantic moment with his beautiful Patti. Roger dove to the ground to grab Doug's gun, the one he had dropped when he left with Skeeter. The two of them raced for it; Porkchop was faster. Porkchop rolled over as he picked up the gun and flung up onto his feet. "ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF!" he yelled. Then Roger's head blew off.

* * *

Skeeter left Bluffington that day in Roger's car. Too many crazy things happened, and he knew it was time for him to leave. From time to time he would HONK HONK as he sang Beets songs.

* * *

Porkchop danced around the halls with Patti in his arms. How she was so beautiful.

"Ohhhh, Porkchop. You're so rooomantic."

"Ar-ARF," Porkchop barked in agreement as he dragged Patti's lifeless corpse across the ground, holding her body up only as high as his height would allow. He was in heaven. He would swing this way and that, dipping her when he felt so confident. From time to time he would stop to take a break, but for the most part, they just danced and danced.


End file.
